Overheard today...

From L:
Dear Shove and Jesus,
Jesus make Shove's body feel better so he can be happy.

(She has been 'writing' letters to Shove and Jesus all day today. She found some of my stationary and put the 'letters' in the envelopes. She doesn't quite understand that Shove won't be coming home. It's breaking my heart.)

Day 2

Got L to preschool this morning. She told me "can't want to stay" again. Started the screaming and crying and throwing of self on the floor as soon as she saw her teacher. I didn't stick around today, just hugged her and told her I would be back for her later. Didn't fall apart either. Much easier today than yesterday.
I did get a brief chance to talk with her teacher though. She said that L did pretty good yesterday after she calmed down. She said that L even took a nap-miracle!-and that she made a friend to hold hands with (a cherubic little curly blond named Megan). Teacher (Ms. J) went on to say that today would probably be pretty bad, tomorrow some better and next Monday would be bad again (after getting to be at home with mom, not wanting to go back.)
I like Ms. J; she's no-nonsense, but she obviously loves the kids. I think that's just what L needs, too. She's been queen of the castle up til now, and I think some routine and structure will help her gain a little better control of her emotions and willfulness too. (Imagine, a child of mine and P's willfull! Who'da thought?) :)

p.m. update

L was very glad to see me at pick-up time. I didn't get a chance to see her teacher, but the director said she did pretty good and another teacher said she seemed fine at lunch. She was quietly watching a video when I arrived. That was a good sign.
Of course, everyone says tomorrow will be worse, now that she knows the game. We'll have to see. When I asked her if she had fun, she said, "Yes, I had lots of fun." So I hope I can get her to remember that tomorrow morning. Wish us luck!

a.m. update

Dropping off L for her first day at preschool was every bit as traumatic as I'd imagined it could be. There was screaming (and I mean full out, mega decibel screaming) for mommy and tears and snot were flowing freely, temper tantrum ensued. I told her she would have fun and that she needed to stay and play with the other children. "I can't want to! I can't want to!" she cried.
I placed her in the capable hands of the teacher and kissed her, told her I'd always come back for her and left before I could change my mind. As soon as I got into my office just a couple blocks aways, I broke down in tears. It breaks a mother's heart to know her child is fearful of something unfamiliar and can't be there to ease the transition, even if it's eventually in the child's best interest. I know she's safe and will be very well cared for, and will even come to have fun there. It's just that she doesn't know that yet.
My head knows that this is the best arrangement for everyone. The preschool is excellent. I very much like the director, and I think the teacher will be good for L, though I don't know her very well yet. I know L will eventually come to enjoy the time they get to spend on the playground, doing crafts, singing, etc. I know I will get more work done and be able to go to meetings and groups that I might not ordinarily attend now that she is not in my care full time.
It's my heart that's breaking though. I won't always be the first one to see her do new things now, or hear her conversations in "L language" with her toys and picture books.

I will update in the p.m. once I've picked her up and seen how she did. Pray that tomorrow she'll remember that today was ok. I just have this feeling...