Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Hard to hear
When we were first married, P and I discussed the future. We thought we'd like to have a couple of kids: me, two girls (like me and my sister), him, one of each. I said I could live with that as long as the first one was a girl. I have no idea how to parent a boy, I told him. Well, many years later, we have a wonderful little girl; she'll be three this summer. So, it took me a while to feel ready, but I'm finally feeling the urge to have another bundle of joy soon. A sibling, someone L can play with and help be responsible for. I bring this up to P. I figured he'd say that we should wait until I find a call. I agree, at least to a point. (That is, I agree unless it looks like it'll take another year to find one.) But no, he says he doesn't think he wants another one. At all. Probably not ever. That knocked the breath out of me. I still have trouble breathing just thinking about it. I can't imagine my life without another child. I feel like I'd be cheating L out of the joy of having a sibling. I feel like our family would be incomplete. I also worry that if they're too far apart in age, they won't have a chance to be close to each other. (I'm not a child pschologist, so I don't actually know if that's true or not. But I still worry about it. It just seems like it'd be more like having two only children, rather than siblings.) So, I'm feeling rather heart broken these days. It's not a totally closed case, but it's still hard for me to imagine life with just one child; that's not how I ever envisioned my family. I really don't know what will happen if he decides that it's a final decision. Prayers for us all, please.